


Sunsets & Heartbreak

by 82_owls



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst and Feels, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Minor Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB, Minor Mark Tuan/Jackson Wang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:33:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24610837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/82_owls/pseuds/82_owls
Summary: The sun begins to set, Bambam watches as the light begins to fade. Stars light up the night, sunset far gone. A tear slides its way down his cheek, a wavering smile making its way onto his face. The memories begin to fade, all the precious moments he shared with Yugyeom far gone. If he'd known his actions had these consequences, he would've tried to prevent them. After all, he wasn't ready for the incoming heartbreak....Cross-posted on Wattpad
Relationships: Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam/Kim Yugyeom
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	1. Setting Sun

**Author's Note:**

> This is a 9-part song fic inspired by "Sunsets And Heartbreak" by Cimorelli.

Waves crash against the beach. Clouds slowly fade away, revealing the sun’s rays onto the sky. Warm colors, orange, pink, and purple filter into Bambam’s view. On his right sits Yugyeom, seemingly enjoying the view as much as Bambam is.

The warm sand slips through their toes, between them sits their intertwined hands. Slow breaths are released into the warm air. All is calm and peaceful.

The wind gently beats their clothes, swaying them side to side. The towel’s fabric is rough beneath their hands, the smell of the ocean creating a nostalgic air about them.

Despite the peacefulness, Bambam feels it appropriate to break the silence, turning to face Yugyeom. Upon catching his profile, Bambam admires Yugyeom’s enhanced features caused by the sun’s light, setting him aglow, enough to daze Bambam into silence. Taking time to count the numerous moles dotting Yugyeom’s face, Bambam is reminded of the slightly odd sight, since he’d grown accustomed to products covering Yugyeom’s face.

As their anniversary date is spent on the beach shore, Bambam turns back towards the sunset, missing the fond look sent his way. Smiling to himself, Bambam feels giddy, happiness filling his whole being. Just the simple action of spending time with Yugyeom sends butterflies in his stomach. 

With a softness in his actions, Bambam raises their intertwined hands to his lips, placing a light kiss on Yugyeom’s ring finger, where his promise ring lay. Looking back at Bambam, Yugyeom gives him a huge grin, competing with the sun in its brightness. Bambam mirrors his face with his own slight smile, keeping Yugyeoms’ hand close, and caressing his knuckles.

With Yugyeom’s own pull of his hand, Bambam expects him to follow his lead, instead being pleasantly surprised when he decides to guide him into his lap. Seating himself onto Yugyeom’s thighs, and maneuvering his knees to hug Yugyeom’s hips, Bambam wraps his arms around Yugyeom’s neck. 

Both gaze at each other’s eyes, and Yugyeom wraps his own arms around his waist, leaning forward to kiss Bambam’s nose. 

Scrunching his face at the affectionate gesture, Yugyeom laughs lightly at Bambam’s face, opting to pull him closer until Bambam rests his face on his shoulder. Closing his eyes, and feeling comfort with Yugyeom’s arms around him, Bambam listens to the waves, to Yugyeom’s breathing. His hand rests on Yugyeom’s chest, the thud of his heart calming Bambam’s being.

The moment’s serenity engraves itself in Bambam’s memory.

Debating on staying still or returning the affectionate gesture, Bambam decides on the latter by leaning towards Yugyeom’s neck. With a light peck on his pulse, Bambam pulls back with a smile, when he feels the pulse quicken. 

Lifting his face to look down into his lap where his hands lay, Yugyeom shifts beneath him, moving to rest his hands on Bambam’s waist, watching Bambam’s every move. 

With a huff of breath at seeing the ring on his own finger, Bambam brings it up into the light watching it glint gold. The band not only looked beautiful and stunning, it also held much significance to Bambam and Yugyeom, yet at the same time, not enough.

Although the materialistic item expressed the unsaid promise between them, it wasn’t enough to convey his relationship with Yugyeom. Nothing could compare to what he felt for him, a mere ring only replacing a figment of his love for him. With these thoughts in mind, Bambam looks at the actual stunning view, meeting a loving gaze from Yugyeom. 

He doesn’t know why he did it. Perhaps it was the way Yugyeom’s eyes glinted with the sun’s rays in his eyes. Or perhaps it was the way he tightened his hold on Bambam’s waist and leaned his forehead against his own. Countless possibilities to spur his actions, and yet he thinks he’d do it again even without these causes.

The adrenaline pumping through his veins guides him to lean forward and meet Yugyeom’s lips. 

The light press of lips on lips catches Yugyeom off guard, and Bambam quickly pulls away, knowing full well they’re still in public. Expressing mild confusion, Yugyeom is too stunned at Bambam’s public display of affection, attempting to rewind his actions in order to properly respond to the rare opportunity of Bambam’s feelings. 

Feeling a bit disheartened at knowing Bambam won’t kiss him again, Yugyeom opts for a hug instead, feeling a bit better when Bambam wraps his own arms around him and hugs him tightly, an indirect way of thanking him for being patient.

Although neither wants the moment to end, Bambam pulls away hoping Yugyeom understands his actions. Begrudgingly, Yugyeom lets Bambam leave his embrace, watching as he moves to his previous spot on the towel. 

Turning back to the sunset, Yugyeom has a slight smile on his face when he feels Bambam left their hands intertwined, scooting closer so their legs are touching, wanting another form of warmth emitting from Bambam’s body.

Seating himself on his previous spot, Bambam looks at the sky once again. Watching it slowly become filled with stars. The warm colors begin to fade away, stretches of blue taking over the sun’s rays. The scenery makes it worth every moment coming to the beach for their anniversary. 

As a way of saying a final goodbye, Bambam takes a mental screenshot of the moment. 

Unaware that this very moment he treasured, was the calm before the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fanfic is told with non-linear chapters (hope it clears any confusion!).


	2. Beginning of A Promise

The nighttime breeze creates a chilly evening. A single beat up pick-up truck is parked in the driveway. Two lovers sit in the cargo bed, feeling the breeze in all its cold glory. Both are stargazing, watching the stars shine bright.

Pillows behind, blankets beneath, snacks strewn every which way, a mere shift of the foot causes abrupt laughter to ring throughout the empty street. Hands gesture every which way, countenances act out dramatic and over the top expressions, more laughter erupts from the pair.

Together, Bambam and Yugyeom enjoy their night out. A rare chance since both are so busy in their daily lives.

It’s been 2 years since they started dating. Today marks the beginning of it all.

Darkness kept away by the lamps lining the empty street. Coldness keeps away from the pair as they wrap themselves together in a blanket.

Side by side, they cuddle even closer, feeling the side of their bodies glued to each other. The only other thing helping alleviate the cold of the night.

As Yugyeom glances at Bambam, he is filled with a tinge of sadness. Wishing he could do more than simply sit beside his boyfriend. As a way to overcome the distance, Yugyeom grasps Bambam’s hand with a bit of courage, hiding it beneath the blanket so he doesn’t pull away.

At the feel of Yugyeom’s hand, Bambam looks up at him, confused by his action. Upon seeing his slightly troubled expression, Bambam adjusts his hold, feeling sparks light within him as he watches Yugyeom.

Willing himself to maintain his self-control, Bambam simply gazes on, catching Yugyeom’s slight movement towards him. Trusting Yugyeom as he holds his gaze, Bambam lets him move closer, until their foreheads touch.

A mere whisper shared between the two. A whisper causes one to smile nervously as the other jumps back.

Bambam has tears in his eyes, hands coming up to cover his face. Too excited and emotional to give a verbal response.

Worriedly, Yugyeom reaches over to touch Bambam’s shoulder, scared by his reaction. With sudden movements, Yugyeom is filled with a lapful of Bambam, clutching onto his shirt, refusing to let him go.

His heart beats loudly in his ears, failing to catch Bambam’s repeated words.

‘I will. I will.’ spoken into the lonely night, simple words responding to the huge leap in their relationship.

Relieved, Yugyeom holds Bambam just as tightly, closing his eyes and relishing in his warmth. Wanting to slow time to keep him closer in public, even if the street was empty.

As his tears slow down Bambam pulls away, eyes red, and nose runny, yet still looking as handsome, if not more than before, to Yugyeom. Smiling at Bambam, Yugyeom links their hands.

With a shyness in his voice, Bambam adds to Yugyeom’s question, receiving a squeeze to his hand as a yes. Smiling to himself, Bambam wipes the tears from his eyes, looking ahead towards the sky.

Next to him, Yugyeom follows Bambam’s lead, realizing the lateness of the night, he scoots forward, pulling Bambam along. As his legs reach the ledge, he lets go of Bambam’s hand to jump off onto the pavement of the driveway.

Turning to Bambam, Yugyeom pulls him by his legs until he is settled between them. He looks into Bambam’s eyes and nuzzles his nose, laughing lightly as he pulls away when he sees Bambam’s reddened face.

In the process of helping Bambam off the truck, Yugyeom mentions the time, saying Bambam should go inside before it gets too late. With a laugh, Bambam nods his head in agreement, saying he also wants to go to sleep so they can move everything tomorrow morning.

The blankets are pulled forward, wrapped into a ball full of pillows. The snack bags are crumpled and thrown into the garbage can. With a blanket in each of their hands, the pair walks to Bambam’s doorstep.

Accomplishment is the only thing Yugyeom feels as he follows Bambam inside to set the blankets and pillows on his couch.

Heading back onto his doorstep, Bambam holds onto his hand, both facing each other. Looking past Yugyeom, to make sure they don’t have a crowd, Bambam leans on his tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

Although briefly and silently, the kiss conveys Bambam’s thanks to Yugyeom for his patience with him. 

Pulling away to head back into his house, Bambam says, “I’ll see you tomorrow Yuggie,” opening his door and stepping inside.

As the door is about to close, a whisper is heard into the air, “I love you, drive safely,” the door soon follows.

Yugyeom’s cheek is burning, he brings his hand up once the door closes. Shaking his head, Yugyeom smiles brightly to himself, walking back to his truck.

Once settled in the driver’s seat with the truck turned on, Yugyeom lets out a shout of glee, dancing in his seat because he’d finally told Bambam of his promise to marry him in a couple years, once the time was right.

Yugyeom considered Bambam’s own suggestion as a plus, since he was going to ask him to move in with him anyways.

Thinking into what tomorrow would bring, Yugyeom makes a mental note to pass by a jewelry shop sometime during the upcoming week. Not wanting to delay purchasing the promise ring any longer.

As Yugyeom pulls away, he doesn’t catch the slightly moved curtain at the window. Nor does he catch the smile caused by his antics.

Much less does he catch his lover’s face looking at him as he drives away, Bambam thinking to himself how much more happy he’d be if he were with someone else.


	3. Mocking Memories

Eerie silence. Stiff body. Dark atmosphere. Unmoving eyes. Strikingly white stairs. Held in breaths. Matching white walls. Silent tears.

He’s focused and confused. Sitting on the stairs, burning holes into the white wall.

A humourless laugh rings about the empty house.

A mind creating unmade memories. All these moments he wishes they could have experienced.

Creation upon creation. Pictures being brought together, creating false memories.

He can’t help but feel confused about his current situation. Weren’t they doing alright before everything happened? Before that fateful day arrived and prevented them from sharing these memories?

A single tear follows the track down his face, as he wishes everything had happened before.

The situation seems to almost mock him, making fun of him for taking time for granted.

It seems as though because of his insecurities, he caused his own misery. Laughing humorlessly, he thinks to himself, ‘karma’s a bitch’.

With shaky inhales, a sob is heard.

He’s focusing too much on trying to connect the dots. Trying to figure out where they went wrong. Maybe if he had changed, then perhaps it would have played out differently, he thinks bitterly.

Desperately grasping onto any lasting memories, he doesn’t realize the false memories he’s making up.

Of what could have been.

Pushing past his thoughts, he slowly and steadily moves, grasping onto the staircase railing. Walking to the window, staring into the void of darkness that follows night.

It seems as though hours have passed as he stays standing there, refusing to let the night fade away.

Slowly, the light begins to shine. The sun escapes the depths of darkness.

It’s a bright, sunny day. An atmosphere that he cannot make himself enjoy without his other half.

The memories he’s made only have him repeating a single line. A phrase that makes him aware of reality.

The sun continues to shine brightly, he’s lost his appetite.

As he walks away from the window, catching one last glance, a tear slips onto the ground, creating a single ‘splat’ in the quiet house.

A whisper is echoed into his surroundings, ingrained into his head.

‘I wish I could have it my way, but I know you can’t stay.’


	4. I Won't Let You Go

Grocery shopping. A tedious task, every human being is aware of doing (nutrition, amirite?). Although the dullness, this specific outing makes Bambam feel like he’s on top of the world.

Getting ready, hoping to catch a glimpse of Yugyeom appreciating his looks, Bambam takes one last look in the mirror. 

Twirling slightly to check his coat and his shoes, Bambam nods his head approvingly, walking out of his house, since Yugyeom had beeped at him about 5 minutes ago.

Opening his door to see Yugyeom’s brand new truck waiting for him in the driveway, Bambam proceeds to exit his house, shutting the door behind him with a lock.

Walking over to his truck, Bambam inspects Yugyeom’s new whip, whistling at the nice design.

Stepping up to the passenger’s door and opening it, Bambam is greeted with Yugyeom’s smile and a simple ‘Hey.’

Returning the greeting, Bambam lifts himself onto the seat and puts on his seatbelt, ready for the brief journey. 

Once fully comfortable, Yugyeom pulls out of the driveway heading to the grocery store a couple minutes away.

A comfortable silence befalls them, only disrupted by Bambam’s decision to turn on the radio.

As the recently released song filters in, Bambam soon realizes he’s familiar with some parts of the song. A huge grin makes its way onto his face, as he realizes the irony in the little bit of lyrics he knows.

Adjusting himself in his seat, Bambam clears his throat, ready to show Yugyeom his capabilities as a singer, although he knows Yugyeom is way more talented than he is.

With mumbling made by Bambam to follow the beat instead of the actual lyrics, his breakthrough opportunity arises in the next lyric.

“Give you my all. I need you in my arms.” To emphasize the song, Bambam reaches over to the hem of Yugyeom’s shirt, pulling slightly, aware of the dangers his actions might bring if he isn’t careful.

With a slight pause, Bambam waits for the next line he is familiar with, slightly nodding his head as the melody fills the car’s interior.

“I need you in my life,” pointing with his other hand at Yugyeom, almost shouting the line because of the emotion it holds in Bambam’s eyes, watching as Yugyeom smiles at his antics.

Continuing his passion filled performance, Bambam closes his eyes, closing his empty hand into a fist, bringing it up to his face to create a fake microphone.

“You are touching my heart.” Bambam’s fake microphone disappears, gripping at his heart instead. “I won’t let you go.” His grip slightly tightens on Yugyeom’s shirt.

Bambam follows the song until the end, his microphone appearing once again, emphasizing the ‘I won’t. I won’t. I won’t let you go.’

Ending with a passionate voice, eyes closed, ‘microphone’ in hand, and fist clutching onto Yugyeom’s shirt, bursts of laughter follow the slight pause at the end. Trying his best to keep his eyes on the road, Yugyeom calms himself, not wanting to crash.

Letting go of his shirt, his grand performance ending with laughter he considers applause, Bambam brings his hands into his lap, laughing along with Yugyeom.

He reaches over to the radio to lower the volume, catching sight of Yugyeom’s face in the corner of his eye. His heart beats a bit faster than normal.

Clearing his throat, Bambam looks out the window, contentment filling his being.

As he watches the road slip by, Bambam wonders, ‘When should I tell him?’ Glancing to Yugyeom, Bambam feels butterflies in his stomach, wondering if the song made it any more obvious of his feelings for him.

These past few days, Bambam had been hinting to Yugyeom that he likes him. Although unnoticeable at first, Bambam had been initiating skinship first, seeking Yugyeom out first, heck he even kissed his cheek the other day!

A slight blush spreads across his cheeks, Bambam opts to ignore it by rolling his eyes at Yugyeom’s obliviousness. ‘There was no way Yugyeom could be this dense, could he?’

As Yugyeom pulls into the grocery’s parking lot, Bambam lets out a sigh of frustration, wanting to keep his questioning thoughts at bay.

Moving to unbuckle his seatbelt, Bambam feels a slight poke to his side. Startled, Bambam looks at Yugyeom, watching as he looks as though he might say something.

“And I feel something also too.” Yugyeom melodically says, holding Bambam’s gaze and opening his door.

Bambam sits dumbfounded in his seat. ‘What?’

As he’s about to close the door to head in the store, Yugyeom utters, “I wanna hear you say you love me.” The door slams shut.

Bambam is utterly confused, ‘Wait what?’ Although his brain short-circuited when he met Yugyeom’s eyes, his brain caught up to him, causing Bambam’s eyes to go wide in shock.

‘That scoundrel! That was his confession?’ Scoffing with disbelief, Bambam hurriedly opens his door. Pure shock at the audacity Yugyeom had to confess his feelings with a stupid song!

(Despite being well aware of his own previous actions at singing his heart out to the radio song, Bambam ignores the thought, too caught up in catching Yugyeom.)

‘That idiot, I’m gonna kill him!’, shouts Bambam in his thoughts. 

Although Bambam made it clear he had murderous intentions for Yugyeom’s future, the grin on his face and the unshed tears in his eyes all but revoked those thoughts.

(And if there happened to be some bystanders watching the newly formed couple, as Bambam threw himself onto Yugyeom’s back sending them both tumbling to the ground, they decided not to ruin it, opting to clap for the young romance, watching them have matching red faces.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The couple lines of lyrics are from GOT7's own song, "I Won't Let You Go."


	5. Dreadful Night

“Yugyeom!” is frantically shouted into the night air. Two sole beings face each other, one on the porch, the other on the steps.

Incredulity is all that Yugyeom expresses. Bambam stares back in worry and fear. Both are huffing and puffing out breaths.

The lights are out in the other houses. Everyone else in the neighborhood sleeps.

The silence allows Bambam to reflect on his past choices, thinking about his mistakes.

He knows he isn’t good enough for Yugyeom, he knows Yugyeom can be happier with someone else, someone who will willingly show affection.

Relaying these same thoughts out loud, Yugyeom is quick to call bull. “Bambam, are you serious? I’m clearly happy to be with you!”

“Quit it! I don’t think you see the lie you’re gritting out! I’m not affectionate enough to be someone’s boyfriend, much less yours!” Bambam says frustratedly.

“Oh, so you think I’m lying?” Yugyeom questions Bambam with a saddened look in his eyes.

“What? Are you going to tell me my feelings are a lie too? That what I’ve felt for you is nothing but your imagination?” scoffs Yugyeom.

Speechless, Bambam frantically searches his eyes, finding only hurt in them. “N-No that isn’t what I-”

“Are you sure?” Yugyeom says incredulously. “It sure sounded that way to me. I can’t believe you think so lowly of me. Do you think I go around accepting affection from anyone? Do you think I go around handing out promise rings?”

With a pause to let Bambam intervene, Yugyeom calms his breathing, knowing he’s getting too worked up.

Owls hoot, crickets chirp, the only signs of life aware of the heated argument between the two.

A sigh, “Bammie, I know you’re insecure about our relationship. But, you don’t have to be, I only have eyes for you, they’re always on you.” Yugyeom says in a playful tone, wiggling his eyebrows as an attempt to diffuse the tension.

At the sight of failure, Yugyeom continues with a serious tone.

“I don’t think I would have stayed if I didn’t love you this much. I seriously don’t mind you not being affectionate.” Yugyeom says in a resigned tone, looking away from Bambam into the emerging stars.

“B-But how can you love me?” Bambam says quietly after a long pause, looking down onto his shoes.

“You’re a great person, you’re both genuine and kind. You have unlimited patience for me, sometimes I can’t even comprehend it myself. How can you even handle being with me?” Bambam looks up, tears in his eyes.

Frustration displays across Yugyeom’s face, he mentally silences himself to hear Bambam out.

“I don’t like showing affection. I won’t hold your hand in public. I won’t hug you in public. I won’t even kiss you in public.” Bambam raises his 4 held up fingers as a way of emphasizing his point.

Bambam lets his thoughts hang in the air before resuming, bringing his hand back down.

“You can’t tell me you’re fine with it, I know how much you love showing affection. But you’re being held back. You won’t initiate anything because you know I don’t like it. It’s me who changed you to be less affectionate, I’m not allowing you to be yourself.” His voice cracks slightly at the end, a tear slips down Bambam’s face.

Not letting his overthinking get the best of him, Yugyeom speaks up. “Bammie you’re getting it all wrong. I’m still me. Albeit a little less affectionate, but that just makes it more memorable for me, I cherish the moments when we both are.”

“You see! That’s the problem!” Bambam shouts. “You’re still caring, honest, and sweet despite how awful I’ve been in our relationship! You’re excusing me not being affectionate, when really I’m just being shitty and stupid in this relationship!”

With a scoff Bambam remarks, “I don’t even know why I’m not affectionate! God if I know! All I keep thinking about is waiting. Waiting for what? I don’t know, but I told myself multiple times to wait for something to happen. Maybe I was waiting for you to see the ugly in me and then break-up with me.”

“Or maybe I was waiting until someone took you from me, to keep the ruin away from your life.” Bambam says quietly, saddened at figuring out the reason for his repetitive thoughts.

“I-” Yugyeom begins, but is promptly interrupted by Bambam.

“I’m a disgusting person. I lie to you, and I lie to myself. I can’t confide in you about the problems eating at me, yet you come running to me whenever you’re bothered by anything.” Bambam’s hands are balled into fists.

“You see how questionable it is? Can’t you see why I’m so confused, I hate myself, and yet you continue to love me.”

Yugyeom begins to step forward, but stops upon hearing Bambam’s next few words.

“At this point, isn’t it just torture Yugyeom?” Bambam has quivering lips, tears running down his face, despite his words, he’s scared of Yugyeom leaving him.

Clearly shocked at the unexpected words, Yugyeom opens and closes his mouth. Then his anger comes rushing into his head.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I love you?” Exclaims Yugyeom, face red, and veins popping out of his neck.

“I don’t make sacrifices for just about anyone Bambam! Why can’t you see how deeply I feel for you? Is it so hard to comprehend loving someone as special as you?” His eyes soften, wanting to make Bambam understand he isn’t mad at him, but instead at his doubting thoughts.

“I know you’re lacking confidence and esteem, that’s what I’m here for! I’m here to show you that I love you no matter what! It might take me years, decades. Hell! Even centuries! But I’ll remain by your side to remind you why I love you in the first place!”

Out of breath, Yugyeom watches Bambam cave into himself. He grounds himself in place, stopping the urge to run forward and pull Bambam into his arms to comfort him.

At this point, it feels useless to argue about their feelings. Yet, Yugyeom wants to confirm one last thing.

The only thought replaying in his mind, that keeps him from rushing forward.

He doesn’t want their relationship to be one-sided, he can’t handle chasing after Bambam, if he never stops to let him catch him.

Mentally preparing himself for the worst, Yugyeom closes his eyes, letting out a huff of breath.

“Bammie” Yugyeom opens his eyes to see Bambam looking up at him shyly, “I love you.”

He’s met with nothing. No nod, no words, no twitches at the very least. The only thing he sees is the moon’s light reflecting off Bambam’s tears.

All Bambam does is stare at Yugyeom. He’s too panicked to respond, unknowingly answering Yugyeom’s loathing thoughts.

Deflating a bit at the revelation, Yugyeom gives Bambam a weak smile, “I see, that’s how it is.”

Turning his back to him, Yugyeom says, “I give you the confirmation you deserve, and yet you’re too stunned to return those same feelings.”

He walks forward, towards his truck. At the opening of his door, Yugyeom says, “I’ll see you later Bammie, I need to clear my head.”

Bambam watches as he turns on his truck, the engine revving to life. His headlights are bright against the garage door.

Bambam’s ears pound in the silence.

‘Why is it so hard to love you Bambam?’ A single thought that hangs in the air without needing to be said. The message relaying itself in both of their heads.

Realizing his mistake, Bambam jolts, as if awakened from a spell.

‘Yugyeom is leaving.’ He panics.

“Yugyeom! Yugyeom! Wait! Don’t leave!” Bambam’s voice is frantic, eyes unfocused.

“I do! I do love you! If not more than you do me! I love you, ever since that time we met, my eyes haven’t been able to leave you! Yugyeom!” he exclaims loudly, his panic making him ignore any unwanted attention.

Instead of stepping out, Yugyeom nods from the inside of his truck, soothing Bambam a bit, a sign that he heard him. However, Yugyeom needs time to reflect on their relationship, he wants to prove to Bambam that he’s with him because he loves him and not out of pity.

With that in mind, Yugyeom slowly pulls out of the driveway, he pinpoints Bambam’s location to make sure he isn’t in the way. Seeing Bambam, his face has dried tear tracks, his eyes are red, and his lips move, relaying a message that Yugyeom can’t understand.

Looking away from him, Yugyeom begins to drive out of their street, into the night to clear his thoughts.

‘I should pick up a box of chocolates. Maybe some flowers as an apology. Then maybe I’ll cuddle Bambam until we fall asleep.’ Yugyeom warms up at his thoughts, knowing that although he’s leaving Bambam alone, they’ll see each other again with an added layer of understanding for each other.

Through his rearview mirror, he sees Bambam’s figure, feeling giddy that Bambam is seeing him out.

“I love you.” Whispers a lone being into the night.

“Drive safely,” Follows soon.

…

“Come back home.” Thinks Bambam as this particular memory is relayed in his mind.


	6. The Phone Call

Night sky. Empty streets. Quiet room. Ringing phone. Lone figure.

...

Bambam is splayed across his bed, looking up at the ceiling. Next to him lies his phone. Its bright screen reflects off the ceiling.

At the sound of a notification, Bambam quickly picks up his phone to respond to the text. Smiling like an idiot at seeing Yugyeom’s suggestion.

He waits with his phone in hand, and lightens up at the unique ringtone. Swiping to answer, Bambam brings his phone to his ear, welcoming Yugyeom’s fake busy number ‘voicemail’ with a snicker.

At the sound of Yugyeom’s chuckle, Bambam quiets down, heart pounding in his ears.

…

“Since my brother’s visiting, it’s reassuring to have him here. I feel relaxed in a way, you know?”

“Uh-huh”

“It’s like we can catch up in person, and you know, just hang-out and all.”

“Yep.”

“I mean, I like living alone, but it gets lonely sometimes you know?”

“Yeah, I get you.”

“I wonder what he’ll tell me. What has he accomplished in the time we’ve been apart? What upcoming goals does he have? You know, curious thoughts that I prefer to ask in person instead of through the phone.”

“Yup.”

“I’d be glad if he did or didn’t have any accomplishments or goals anyway, I guess I’m just glad I have an older brother like him.”

“Mm-hm.”

“Are you falling asleep on me?” A chuckle follows soon after.

“No, I’m not. I just don’t know how to respond, you know?”

“How come?”

“It’s just...I’m glad to have a person like you.”

Silence.

“Oh shit! I said that out loud! Sorry! Anyways I do feel the same as you. It’s kind of comforting to have my family around as well? But then I remember I have you, so that fills in the emptiness at home.”

Again. Silence.

“I mean! I have you to buy me food and that helps fill the emptiness I feel at home, my stomach…” he says nervously, holding his breath.

A chuckle, followed by a, “You’re cute.”

One holds a reddening face, while the other holds pure amusement.

“You’re the one with the lovable laughter!” says the embarrassed, regretting his choice of words as soon as they spill from his lips.

The only audible sound after said sentence, is that of a hand smacking one’s mouth, curses spilling in their head.

“You think my laugh is lovable?” is said teasingly.

“N-No, I didn’t say that! You misheard!”

Laughter rings through the phone. The other laughs along with him.

The room doesn’t feel as empty anymore.

...

It’s 2 a.m. It’s been 3 hours since they began talking.

Although Bambam would love to keep talking to Yugyeom, he’s been yawning for quite some time now.

With a brief interruption to Yugyeom’s story, Bambam mentions having some errands to run later that day.

With a subtle reluctance, Yugyeom wishes Bambam sweet dreams, and a “Don’t let me keep you up any longer!”, followed by a laugh before he hangs up the phone.

Bambam stares at his phone after the call has ended.

The only thing in his vision is Yugyeom’s name on his call log.

With a sigh, Bambam places his phone on his nightstand and lays under his covers, staring up at the ceiling.

His mind is reeling in moments of their conversation. Laughter rings in his mind, cheeks heating up at the thought of Yugyeom’s voice.

With a groan, Bambam turns on his side, and closes his eyes.

He imagines Yugyeom’s bed hair.

A warm smile making its way onto his face.

…

Tossing and turning, Bambam can’t seem to fall asleep. He reaches for his phone and checks the time.

It’s 4:30 a.m.

Grabbing a nearby pillow, Bambam screams into it. He silently curses Yugyeom’s name.

‘Stupid Yugyeom and his stupid words, with his stupid voice, and his stupid smile.’

Grabbing another pillow, Bambam simultaneously punches it as he continues his string of curses.

‘With his stupid face, and his stupid laugh.'

Screaming into his pillow again, Bambam feels worn out.

Flopping back into his covers, Bambam closes his eyes trying to forget his words. The same words repeating in his head at this god awful hour.

With a tired sigh, Bambam closes his eyes, finally letting sleep take him.

…

Tired eyes open in front of a bright light.

Everything comes rushing in.

A tear slips down the side of his face.

His lips quiver.

Hands move to his eyes, desperately trying to close them.

His poor attempts at forgetting everything make him cry out in frustration.

He can’t stop, he just wants everything to go back to normal.

Curling into himself, fists clenched, the images make the reality set in.

Despite screaming at the night sky and its bright stars a mere hours before, he finds his throat fine enough to laugh hysterically with.

Desperation for his presence. Shame for his failure. Guilt for his crime.

He’s crazed to the point of hearing the streets whisper his name, mocking him for losing such a kind soul.

His empty eyes look out the window, seeing nothing except karma laughing in his face.

‘You can’t lie.’ It says.

‘Reality will always find its way.’ It finishes.

Bambam can’t do anything except drown in his negative thoughts. The voice in his head repeating those tormenting words, a punishment he personally felt he deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some parts of this chapter were inspired by "Up at Night," by Cimorelli.


	7. Silent Regret

He won’t go away.

He’s here in my mind all day.

I’m afraid to let go.

Too afraid he might leave me alone.

Creation upon creation.

Here comes the dreaded destruction.

Reality comes and goes.

But so do the memories, with me here alone.

Everything fades into nothingness.

My head is pounding with hopelessness.

Profusely refusing to accept the truth.

I can’t help but think of you.

The images flash in my mind.

I’m just letting them teeter and wind.

Repeating and flashing in my head.

I almost wish I was dead.

Closing my eyes.

There’s no explanation in my mind.

Possibilities about the future.

All false, since none will come true.

If I hadn’t made that mistake.

He would still be here today.

I can’t let him go.

I can’t watch him fade away.

I need him in my life.

I’m too weak without him to stay.

The ringing continues in my head, and my heart pounds with ache. It’s too hard to make him go away. I can’t say goodbye to him, I just want him to stay.


	8. Last Goodbye

Bambam laid in his bed. He was rethinking his words, everything he had said. The dried tear tracks on his face slowly evaporated into the quiet air. His phone layed a few inches away from his hand.

Its bright screen showed pictures of two individuals, both looking very much happy and in love.

Bambam could only lay in quiet contemplation, wondering when Yugyeom would come back. Desperately missing his presence even if their argument had been a mere hour beforehand.

A piercing ringtone tore through the still atmosphere, Bambam frowned at the unfamiliar sound.

Looking at the caller ID, Bambam held in his breath, swiping to answer his phone.

“H-Hello?”

A nod and a ‘hm’ of confirmation is emitted from Bambam. He stills as the caller relays the news to him.

Eyes widening. Choked voice.

With a poor attempt at sounding composed, Bambam responds, “O-Okay, thank you, I u-understand.”

The call ends, and then it happens.

The shattering of a phone, a muffled cry, a body thumps on the bedroom floor.

The words repeat in his head.

A single body shakes with refusal, tears spill onto the floor.

Bambam can’t breathe. His eyes are open, and yet he can’t see anything in his line of sight. His vision is too blurred. His mouth is quivering too much. His whole body is shaking.

He feels himself hyperventilating, he can’t seem to breathe. His chest is heaving with pain, and his hands are shaking.

Slowly calming himself by pursing his lips and breathing in, Bambam lets his hands fall to his sides. He’s kneeling on his knees, looking like a hollowed puppet.

His eyes are bloodshot. 

He brings his hands to his face and looks at them.

In its shining glory sits his ring, glinting off the moonlight in his dark room.

He brings his hand to his chest, feeling tears well up in his eyes, painful sobs wracking his body.

“Why? Why me!” Bambam shouts in his empty room.

“Come back!” Bambam’s voice breaks at the end.

“Why won’t you come back?” Bambam’s throat tightens. He feels the need to cough, he can’t hold back the tears anymore.

It’s as though the balance keeping the water at bay has been damaged. Letting the water break loose, and wreak its havoc.

Dead silence.

The room is a mess, pillows strewn everywhere, items pushed off bedside tables. Heaving body standing with clenched hands. Despite the anger, his face is clearly in despair.

Slowly, Bambam reaches for his phone.

His broken screen displays the previous picture, it makes him even more miserable looking at it  
after hearing Yugyeom’s fate. He can’t help it, they looked so happy, he feels another sob ripple from his chest.

Wiping away his tears, he finds his contact list and phone calls one of his best friends.

“J-Jackson…”

“H-He’s d-dead.”

…

Returning home leaves Bambam in a state of dread. He’s only returning to a lifeless house, nothing more than a mere residence for his body to reside in.

He sets his bag down on the dining table, and seats himself in front of it.

He feels numb.

He feels tired.

He feels dread.

Staring at the bag, his mind wanders to the details they had informed him about.

“It was an accident,” they said, “He couldn’t have prevented the crash”, they consoled.

Feeling frustrated at their words, Bambam grips his hair hard enough to pull a couple of hair strands.

He can’t believe it. He can’t imagine how Yugyeom must have felt.

Setting his hands in his lap, strands fall to the floor.

Bambam closes his eyes. His imagination creates the scenario Yugyeom must’ve been through.

He pictures a blur of red and green. He feels the losing grip of the steering wheel. He hears blaring car horns. Glass shatters. Then come the red and blue lights.

A gasp, followed by the opening of his eyes, brings Bambam back to his reality.

He touches his face, he feels his fingers meet tears he unknowingly shed.

Bambam can only look at the bag in front of his face.

Despite knowing what awaits him there, he proceeds to pull out the items from the bag.

With shaky hands, he pulls out crinkling plastic, a box follows afterwards.

Staring at them on his dining table, Bambam holds his breath, carefully picking up the bundle of flowers wrapped in plastic.

Although some petals have fallen, and the plastic is overly crinkled, Bambam stares at it. Not knowing what to think of them.

The card on its side catches his eye.

He plucks it from its spot, and reads it to himself.

He sees Yugyeom’s scrawly handwriting on the card, wondering if it was written after purchasing the flowers.

‘If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber.’ followed by a winky face.

Bambam stares at the card for a long time. He feels a laugh bubble up in his throat. Despite the clear stupidity in the pick-up line, Bambam’s face scrunches to one of pain.

Yugyeom’s last words happened to be a pick-up line.

His mouth quivers, and he closes his eyes, silently willing himself not to cry. He shouldn’t cry.

He can only stare at the card, wanting so badly to laugh at Yugyeom’s cheesiness, and yet, he can’t swallow the lump in his throat preventing him from feeling anything but anguish.

He isn’t allowed to cry. He caused this, if they hadn’t argued Yugyeom would’ve stayed. He wouldn’t have had to leave to clear his mind of the negative thoughts inputted by Bambam.

Calming his breathing, Bambam sets down the roses. He picks up the box of chocolates.

He opens the lid, and although the chocolates are in disarray, Bambam smiles softly upon looking at them.

A knock causes Bambam to be brought back to reality.

Placing the box, and standing to answer his door with light footsteps, Bambam opens his door, and there stand his best friends.

Upon seeing Bambam’s state, the group collectively rushes forward, enveloping him in a hug.

Jackson who holds onto Bambam whispers, “Oh Bammie.”

Bambam only stand still, he can’t return their hugs. He can only accept them.

Affection. One of the things he took for granted. How he wishes he could be in Yugyeom’s arms instead.

Slowly, the group breaks away, one by one.

Bambam hears his door close, and hears the rest of his friends make their way to his dining room, sitting on the chairs except the one he was previously on. 

Jackson breaks away from Bambam, he gives him a tight-lipped smile, and wipes his eyes. Reaching for Bambam’s hand, Jackson leads him back to his spot.

The air is still, and quiet. No one makes a noise, they’re all too deep in their thoughts processing the news.

Bambam sniffs, and takes it upon himself to break the silence. “Hey guys! Can I offer you anything?” False happiness is met with solemn faces.

Bambam can’t bring himself to lie any further, instead he whispers, “Thank you for coming.”

Jackson reaches over and grips his hand over the table, clutching onto him, as if afraid Bambam might lose himself even further.

Slowly, everyone else reaches forward, joining hands and uttering out different phrases at the same time.

“We couldn’t leave you alone.”

“We’re here for you Bambam.”

“Take it easy, we know this is hard for you.”

“We missed you.”

“Don’t worry about it, we’re devastated and shocked as much as you are.”

Bambam can only grip their hands back, holding them even tighter, afraid they’re just an illusioned support mechanism made by his brain.

Bambam utters back, “Thank you.”

He pulls back his hands, wanting to compose himself.

“Bambam, were you looking at the last gifts he left you?” Jinyoung asks softly, not wanting to push his boundaries.

Bambam looks up at him, nodding in confirmation, smiling a little. “Yeah, he left me some flowers with a cheesy line.”

They look at each other, and ask him about the pick-up line, Bambam smiles at the memory of it and relays it to them.

Listening to the message, the group laughs a little, diffusing the tense atmosphere.

Bambam continues, “He also left me chocolate, but I wasn’t able to read the note he wrote.”

“Oh, he left two of them?” Youngjae asks quietly.

“Yeah, let me just pull it out.”

“It’s okay Bam, you don’t have to read it in front of us.” Mark speaks up, letting Bambam draw the line.

“It’s fine, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was another pick-up line.” Bambam slightly giggles, Jackson and Mark share a smile, nodding at Bambam to continue.

With that, Bambam takes off the box’s lid, and lifts the card hidden beneath some of the disarrayed chocolates.

Flipping it, Bambam begins to read out loud, “Your smile is my sunrise and your kiss is my sunset. Thank you for being the most wonderful friend and companion and making my day beautiful, everyday. Love, Yugyeom.”

The room falls silent. Everyone has their heads down.

Jaebeom surveys the room, taking a look at each and everyone one of them.

Youngjae holds his hand, and Jaebeom squeezes back. He looks up at Mark and Jackson, both with conjoined hands, shoulders slightly shaking.

Looking at Jinyoung, Jaebeom sees the grim look on his face, he’s staring at Bambam.

Shifting his gaze, he sees Bambam clutching the card with Yugyeom’s scrawly writing to his chest.

Although his smile is wide and bright, his eyes tell otherwise. Tears stream down his face, his nose is runny, his eyes are shiny and gleaming, and yet there couldn’t be a more pitiful sight than Bambam’s bright countenance.

Jinyoung is the first to reach his side, wrapping his arms around Bambam, hiding his face into his neck, tears running down his own face. Mark and Jackson stand up and gather around Bambam. Jaebeom and Youngjae finalize the group hug, clutching onto each other tightly.

They stay with Bambam’s still form, and his heartbreaking sobs.

The card falls onto Bambam’s lap.

The night fades away, until Bambam is worn out from keeping everything in. The rest of the night has Jackson and Mark clutching onto him, on either side while they sleep.

Meanwhile Jinyoung, Jaebeom, and Youngjae pick up around his home, tidying up as much as they could.

Finishing their cleaning with only the dining room left, Jinyoung places everything Yugyeom left behind back in Bambam’s bag.

Upon seeing the fallen card on the floor, Jinyoung picks it up, smiling to himself at the heartwarming yet sad message.

‘P.S. I believe in you, but more importantly I believe in us, so don’t give up! Bammie, fighting!’


	9. Nightly Reflections

Waves crash against the beach. Clouds slowly fade away, revealing the sun’s rays onto the sky. Warm colors, orange, pink, and purple filter into his view. On his right, he’s seated, seemingly enjoying the view as much as he is.

The warm sand slips through their toes, between them sits their intertwined hands. Slow breaths are released into the warm air. All is calm and peaceful.

The wind gently beats their clothes, swaying them side to side. The towel’s fabric is rough beneath their hands, the smell of the ocean creating a nostalgic air about them.

They turn to each other, cheeks hurting from the smiles they send each other.

Bambam looks away from Mark’s and Jackson’s shared moment, shifting his gaze towards a different pair.

They’re standing and looking into the sea, watching the sun set. One holds onto the other’s arm, leaning their head onto his shoulder.

Looking away from Jaebeom and Youngjae, Bambam feels a sort of contentment because his friends were with their other halves.

His focus is shifted to his hand, it’s being gripped. His knuckles being soothed, and Bambam turns to look at Jinyoung sitting beside him.

Sending a grateful look, Bambam leans on Jinyoung, liking the feeling of being held.

They both watch Jackson and Mark exchange words to each other. Mark’s face is significantly lighting up, nodding his head at whatever Jackson had said. Bambam and Jinyoung watch as Mark is slowly pulled closer to Jackson, both turning their heads once they see them lean towards each other.

Youngjae and Jaebeom seem to have turned to look at Jinyoung and Bambam, smiling at them and waving at them to join them.

Jinyoung and Bambam share a look, slowly rising to their feet.

An unspoken agreement between them causes loud shouting, and wild running towards the water.

Water is splashed about, laughs are heard in the distance. Two figures waddle deeper into the water, stopping once they’re navel-deep in.

Neither speaks, only looking at the sky, hearing their friends laugh behind them.

With a deafening silence, multiple abrupt splashes are heard behind them.

Suddenly Bambam is hit with a huge splash of water on the back of his head. He turns around and sees Jackson smiling smugly. As retaliation, Bambam splashes water right into his face, laughing at Jackson’s shocked expression.

The six of them splash water around, laughs ringing in the beach air.

…

It’s nighttime.

Bambam’s sitting alone on his towel, refusing to leave the beach until after he’s finished dealing with his mentally-challenging thoughts.

He looks next to him, slightly frowning at having no one there to catch the light reflecting off their face.

Nobody there to watch their features enhanced by the moonlight.

He misses the feeling of butterflies in his stomach. He misses the feeling of someone else’s hand in his.

Who is he kidding? He misses Yugyeom’s presence and being around him.

At the revelation, he huffs out in frustration, feeling a wavering smile on his face after thinking about his past lover.

Looking up at the sky, Bambam watches the stars help the moon light up the night.

He reminisces in the past, of what Yugyeom and him did before, a means of escaping his reality.

He smiles, remembering how they met.

They’d been introduced to each other after Jackson and Mark had started dating, both friend groups combined into one. He remembers being hesitant around Yugyeom because of the clashing personalities between them.

He laughs out loud, when he remembers the arguments were what brought them together. The aftermath always left them with an additional bit of understanding, leading to their own friendship.

Thus their relationship as best friends had begun.

At some point, it had led to something more. Bambam reminiscences in the awkward stage between them, where they liked each other but did nothing about it.

The phone call they had that one night that consisted of light flirting, confirmed it for Bambam. He was sure that Yugyeom liked him back. He remembers seeking him out more often, even going as far as pecking his cheek.

Bambam lightens up, remembering how stupidly they got together. The song was the main factor in getting them to confess to each other, how pathetic.

And yet, Bambam can’t help the giddiness he feels when he thinks back to when he jumped onto Yugyeom.

He remembers feeling embarrassed when they received a standing ovation in front of the store, making for an embarrassing story when they mentioned it to the group, who left them extremely red-faced with their endless teasing.

A sigh escapes his lips, changing his focus onto his hand.

Bambam looks on his finger, watching his ring glint, yet again. He smiles at the fond memory, his eyes shining, a tear splashing onto his hand.

The sudden urge to kiss Yugyeom that day in the back of his pick-up truck was very prominent, and yet he held himself back, too shy to kiss his boyfriend in public.

Bambam feels a bit sour, wishing he’d taken the many chances he had and kissed Yugyeom whenever he felt affectionate.

Despite the pit in his stomach, Bambam feels a bit soothed when he remembers asking Yugyeom if they could live together, receiving an enthusiastic response to his inquiry.

He finds himself clutching his hand with the ring to his chest, when he remembers being pleasantly surprised at receiving it that same week they moved in together.

He feels pained and yet happy, when he thinks about his stubborn decision to buy Yugyeom a matching ring.

He’s silenced by the next memory, the one with both of them at this very same beach. He watches the moon, his lips quivering. He remembers the joy they felt here, how happy they were. 

The serenity, the peace, the quiet.

He hugs himself, wanting to be comforted by Yugyeom, despite knowing he’s alone.

He wipes at his eyes, a choked laugh escaping from his lips, his heart burning at the words he wishes he can exchange with Yugyeom at that very moment.

Closing his eyes, and trying to calm his mind, he thinks back to that night.

Their argument had been a result of Bambam’s insecurities fueled by his impending thoughts. That day, he was frustrated with himself, he was angry at how he handled everything, and how he handled himself.

Despite it all, Yugyeom reassured him that it was okay, he was human after all.

For some reason, Bambam felt even more upset, telling Yugyeom that he doesn’t understand. He remembers questioning him if he really felt happy with him, if his feelings were genuine.

That was when Yugyeom burst out the door, frustrated at Bambam. However, that hadn’t stopped Bambam from his own outburst, he just about released all his frustrations in their relationship to him.

Thinking back to it, Bambam wishes he could rewind time. He’s guilty to the point of shaking with humiliation. He can’t stop the frustration in himself, thinking back to his past actions.

It was after their argument that it all went to hell. 

Bambam remembers receiving the call, he remembers his angry outburst, his broken call to Jackson.

It pained him even more when he was given the items in Yugyeom’s car, the roses and the box of chocolates.

His outcry pierces his ears, Yugyeom thought about him until the very end.

He was helpless as his vision was made blurry, not stopping at all when he continued his trail of thoughts.

The nights he spent crying. Hugging himself, and refusing to sleep unless Yugyeom wrapped him in his arms like he always did.

The doubts he had, the mistake he made of letting a single trail of thought almost end his life, simply because he couldn’t bear the thought of being left alone.

Bambam kept shaking, his sobs turning to whimpers, his eyes burning from the many tears he’d shed.

He wipes at his eyes, watching the waves crash against the sand.

Slowly, Bambam stands up, and he walks robotically to the edge of the water.

The sand envelops his feet with every step he takes.

Looking back, he sees his friend’s worried looks, feeling loved that they had waited for him all this time. Bambam turns back around, and steps into the water.

He slightly shivers, the water cold at this time of night.

Despite it, he continues on.

The waves crash against his calves, his knees feel like they’re about to give out.

His name repeats in his head, a deafening repetition that drowns out the crashing waters.

Bambam takes each step carefully.

The water makes his clothes stick to his skin. They weigh him down as he is further in the water.

His name, it’s the only thing he can comprehend.

Bringing his hand above the water and looking at his ring, the drops of water running down its sides, he contemplates leaving it on shore.

Looking back again, he waves at his friends. And slowly, he lets himself fall backwards.

His eyes are burning. His skin is wrinkly. The water drowns out all the sounds except one.

The only thing he can hear is Yugyeom’s name.

He sees a hand reaching for his shirt.

Bambam smiles to himself as he continues to drown himself in Yugyeom’s name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to quickly thank everyone who finished reading! I appreciate your support very much! This was my first fanfiction, so I hope I made a good impression! Thx again!


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